I'm trying to figure out what my dreams have meant for the last 4 nights. I had a nice chat with my bro-in-law this morning and got his perspective on it, but I also welcome other perspectives. I've had a recurring dream that there's an alligator (or alligator-like creature) lurking just below the surface of a body of water on which I'm sitting (either in a boat or on the shore). It pokes it's head above the water and shows its teeth and then sinks below the water again. It's definitely a menacing feeling I have in my dream, and the thought that comes to me in my dream is that this somehow represents chemotherapy. It's all very odd. I'm talking with someone (the face varies each night) just prior to the alligator's appearance, and then once the alligator surfaces and goes back under the water, I'm alone. In any event, it has caused restless sleep the last few nights.
Maybe chemo is the alligator. Or maybe it's the cancer, lurking beneath the surface. Is it fear? I just don't know. All I know is I want the dreams to end. Maybe I AM afraid of chemo, or at least what it will do to my body. Maybe I'm afraid it won't fix the problem. Maybe I just have a lot of fear just below the surface and I should start processing some of it. Maybe I'm reading too much into this silly dream. Maybe I just need to shoot the ding-dang alligator in my dream and be done with it. Perhaps I'll take a case of whoopa$$ into my dream with me tonight. That'll show that stinking alligator! :o)
Sue B. just installed my new handheld shower head, so I'm about to go take a luxurious shower. We just measured my hair and my pony tail is 11 inches, so there's plenty for Locks of Love. Tomorrow afternoon I get it all cut off into a short cut, and then once my hair starts to fall out I'll shave it. Phil is shaving it in solidarity with me.
The simple pleasures in life have been abundant the last few days. Ease of movement and wound healing. Belly laughs with my son as we threw the "meanie rag" (the cloth used to wipe his face and hands after meals) back and forth at each other after dinner last night. Sitting on my porch in the morning sun and in the evening with the twinkle lights. Having a good appetite again. Connecting with friends and family. Life is good, my friends. Life is good.
Jamie left yesterday to go to North Carolina with the rest of my family. We Skyped them last night so we got to see everyone on video. Hopefully there will be an internet connection in the house they're renting so that we can communicate this coming week. I'm definitely feeling sad we're not going this year. The talk all year long is how much fun it would be for everyone to see Benjamin there this year (yep, it's all about Benjamin. Sandy and Phil are just by-products these days :o) Now my focus is picturing us all there next year and the years to come, having fun in the waves and sun.
Phil's sister Sheila arrive Monday night, so this weekend is a bit of a quiet family one. Joe and Sue rented a bunch of movies and last night we watched He's Just Not That Into You. Cute movie, good ensemble cast. Phil snoozed, but he's got a bad cold so I'm glad he got some sleep.
Today I'm going to a garden tea party in a fancy hat and a dress. I'm not sure how long I'll last, but I'm looking forward to it. It's my last chance for awhile to wear a hat with long hair. I have all these great hats from my Aunt Meg from the 40s and 50s, so it'll be hard to choose just one.
Sorry this post is a bit disconnected and rambly. Maybe it's the lack of good sleep that's doing it. Darn alligator.
Love to all, Sandy
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Sandy - I too have had dreams of alligators in the water while I am in a boat. For me I have determined that I have these dreams when I am feeling REALLY overwhelmed. The alligator I think has something to do with me waiting to be "consumed" by all that I am dealing with. I don't know if that helps - I hope it does just a bit. Have wonderful time at you garden party.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Genai
Hey Sandy... I loved your rambly message (which I did not find all that disjointed). It's wonderful to know you are able to get out and about and do stuff you love!
ReplyDeleteAbout the alligator dreams... Linda has done a lot of dream work and you'll be hearing from her shortly. (I call her the Dream Weaver) I have no great insights to share, but I think your own reflections are definitely significant. Free yourself from the expectation that there is one definitive interpretation... there may be many -- all correct.
It might be productive to explore all the different associations you have with alligators... places you've seen 'em, what you feel about them when you've seen 'em, restaurants in which you've eaten their tails in pate. You might also think about how Steve Irwin "The Crocodile Hunter" interacted with such critters... never horrified or avoidant, but filled with wonder and over-the-top superlatives... "Kri-ke, mate... look at that beauty..." If your alligators do represent cancer/chemo/fear, maybe your dream is asking you to look at the fear factor square in the face and then dance with it.
In a very real sense, you are doing tai-chi with a monster... the pathway to healing may have something to do with learning to release it with love (high vibration energy), rather than kill it (violent, low-vibrational energy). Do you draw or paint? Doing some process art using the alligator image in a variety of settings might help with this re-framing. Or maybe some poetry/song parodies...
Hang in there! Hope it won't be long before you can join the fam in NC!!!
Love,
Karl
Hi Dear Heart, My first response to your dream has been lost in cyber-space, so here goes another attempt.
ReplyDeleteFirst, it is what the dream means to you that is important. I shall share my thoughts about the symbolism and imagery. Dreams also can serve many functions. I believe that it would be important to continue to record your dreams, since it can be a path to understanding your innermost process.
I believe that your understanding is correct, that you do hold fear, my gosh who wouldn’t! This is a major life changing event, a transformation, a surrender, lots of loss (ovaries etc.) and an unknown journey.
The alligator represents Reason, because it can see clearly even when its eyes seem to be veiled by the nictitating membrane. It represents death (which you are of course fearful of, hence the unconscious fear surfaces) It devours what must be returned to chaos. It also inhabits a realm intermediate between earth and water, and is an emblem of fecundity and power. Since it is derived from its resemblance to the dragon and serpent, it is a symbol of knowledge. And it can represent a rebirth.
Water has so many meanings. It can be a baptism, truth, purification, the unconscious. Was the water clear? murky? calm? because all of that is important in looking at your dream. Water can be maternal because, in the beginning, everything was like a sea without light. In India, water is regarded as the preserver of life, circulating throughout the whole of nature, in the form of rain, sap, milk and blood. Limitless and immortal, the waters are the beginning and the end of all things on earth. Water never rests, neither by day nor by night. When flowing above, it causes rain and dew. When flowing below, it forms streams and rivers. Water is outstanding in doing good. Water symbolizes terrestrial and natural life never the metaphysical life.
Several things come to mind about your dream. First you mentioned that Jamie just left to go on the family vacation. It is in South Carolina, where alligators live. You are angry and sad that you can’t be there this time because of the cancer. Up from the water (your unconscious) emerges the angry alligator with teeth bared. You keep seeing different faces (perhaps family) but when they leave you are left alone on the bank to face this demon. This is a scary path and on your journey, many will walk with you but no one can truly understand the depth of feeling that only you have around this.
I do think that you are scared and have fear around all the unknown. I know that I would. Dreams reveal a lot, so if you have this dream again and the alligator surfaces, ask it what it wants to tell you and you can talk back to it.
Know that I appreciate reading your blog and never miss a day. I want you to know that you are constantly in my thoughts. I’d love to be your dream buddy and process them with you. Lots of love, Auntie L.
Dear Sandy,
ReplyDeleteI love what your Aunt Linda wrote, particularly about asking the alligator what it wants to tell you, I was going to suggest the same thing. Your messages are so powerful, thank you for sharing your life with me, us, the world. Much love and prayers. Mary
Sandy, I have nothing near as profound as what others wrote..........I just got a good feeling when you wrote the alligator keeps going back under the water! Seems to me they can be scary and amazing to look at at the same time. Personally, I prefer them underwater - not in the boat! I can't even imagine what a scary and overwhelming journey this is for you - yet, it must be amazing when you reflect on the support you have surrounding you. You are a wonderful person! Even though we haven't seen each other for years I have decribed you to others as one of those friends you can talk to after years of not seeing each other and know you can pick up right where you left off. God bless you! Marian
ReplyDeletePhil's shaving in solidarity with you? Way to go, Phil! That is a wonderful thing to do! Whoopa$$!
ReplyDeleteSandy,
ReplyDeleteI've been printing your blog entries and reading them to my mom (Gloria) each day. This entry touched me more than any other. It's my belief that when I'm ill, it's because the Divine wants me to learn something. So I believe, as you do, that embracing the alligator speeds your healing. I want to say how much I honor your courage, and your honesty as you describe the process on this blog. Mom and I think of you daily and send you our support. I hope to meet you sometime.
Alyce