Since I last wrote Benjamin and I have gone through two memorial services, a long trip to Bryn Athyn, a beautiful two and a half weeks in Canada at our family cottage, and now three days back in Glenview. I'm pleased that I was able to honor Sandy's request of two services but did find it challenging to go through a second service. However two themes came out of that gathering....a large number of people thanked me for doing it and said that so many people needed this to happen and it was cool how many of Sandy's relatives were there....really neat! The second theme was when I heard from people who have known Sandy so much longer than I have that she really was her happiest in her entire life when she was in Glenview....married to me and parenting Benjamin. That thought really helps as I struggle with so many tears over the last few days. She was her happiest in Glenview with me and Benjamin....Wow! go to hell, hells, Sandy was happy in Glenview so don't try and tell me that she wasn't or we didn't have the perfect marriage or that we are not raising Benjamin perfectly, etc. she was happy!
Our time in Canada was amazing except for one major hole. It really is hard to go anywhere or do anything right now without being reminded of Sandy. So they we are on the dock and having a nice family conversation and suddenly I'm crying because she should be there beside me watching the boats and Benjamin playing in the water. She would have loved seeing how much confidence he had in the water....although I really am counting on the fact that she can see what we are doing and is keeping us both safe and comforted.
We leave for Linden Hills, MI on Sunday and return Wednesday and then get to fly to Raleigh, NC on Thursday for our annual Magro vacation. I can't wait to spend time with Sandy's family they are such good people and have always reached out to me but even more so in the last two months. We are all hurting and it will be good to process and play together.
Please keep up the prayers for Sandy's and my families as well as for Benjamin and I as we all need them. I'm going to close this entry with three footnotes which I think will be interesting to some of you.
1. Sandy wrote me this birthday card on the 16th of June: To the love of my life on his 41st birthday, Wow, what a lot of adventures our 6.5 years of marriage has taken us on. We're definitely putting the vows "in sickness and in health" to the test, eh? I feel so incredibly grateful that the Lord brought us together. I guess I just wish it would've been sooner so we could've had even more adventures earlier on. I feel so loved and safe and secure when I'm with you, and I couldn't ask for a better partner to go through life with. I've never met a man with more integrity than you. I love the way you choose to live your life. I am one lucky woman! And we have this amazing son that we are so blessed to have (and he's cute to boot.) Makes for a pretty good life, even if circumstances seem to indicate otherwise. I look forward to spending eternity with you. Having fun to eternity with you, and being useful, both in this life and the next. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Sometimes I feel like my heart's going to burst it's so much! I will keep fighting for you. For us. I promise that, no matter how hard it gets, because I know I have you to hold me up. I love you. Happy Birthday, my love! Love, Sandy
2. I read the following prayer at the beginning of the Glenview New Church memorial....can't believe I got through it that day as I can't read it now without crying. Sandy obviously helped me get through it the first time! Thanks my love!
Dear Sandy, Mommy and the Lord,
Benjamin and I have so many questions to ask you: like how is heaven, where is this shirt, where is this type of food bought, etc. We always knew you were so special but now we are even more amazed because you keep providing answers to these questions in our hearts and brains and minds. Benjamin is already starting to figure out that he can communicate with you by saying things like "I'm swimming now, and I'm happy now" and then receiving that beautiful feeling in his heart that only a Momma can give!
Last Saturday evening I asked you to find the strength and courage to tell Benjamin with me exactly what was going on...I said I would lead the conversation but before long you were the one providing him with the exact words that he needed to hear. Thanks so much for doing that! On Wednesday just before your passing I got Benjamin to give you a kiss and you reached up (when you no longer had much muscle) and hugged him...I will make sure that he always remembers this moment and so many others where you prioritized what was really important - not housework but human interactions.
You asked me to write "In the end only kindness matters." on Facebook on Monday and so I ask you, my love Sandy and the Lord, to help Benjamin and I really follow these words each and everyday. You understood life way better than we did.
So here we are gathered at your memorial service and I know that you are here with us and will help us to not only get through it but to smile and enjoy it. Please help to comfort each of us in this room and all others who need you and I feel confident asking you for this because you are an angel and angels can do everything.
With love, Benjamin and Phil
3. I received the following from a co-worker who loved how Sandy created such amazing song parodies. This one is sung to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star:
Mommy, Mommy, shining star
Now I know just where you are
In my heart and in my mind
Angel loving, angel kind
Mommy, Mommy, shining star
Now I know just where you are
Sandy, Sandy, shining star
You are near though heaven seems far
Speak to me in dream and song
Keep your husband brave and strong
Sandy, Sandy, shining star
You are near though heaven seems far
Benjamin and Phil my love
Here I am with God above
I am fine as you will see
When someday you come to me
Benjamin and Phil my love
Here I am with God above.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Obituary
Parker, Sandra Magro, 46, of Glenview, passed away peacefully in her home June 29, 2011. Amazing wife of Phil, awesome mother of Benjamin, special daughter of Ron and June Magro, dear daughter-in-law of Richard and Gillian Parker, beloved sister of Ron (Pat) Magro and Jamie (Len) Rose, cherished sister-in-law and aunt to many. Memorial Service Glenview New Church, 74 Park Dr., Glenview, Sunday, July 3 at 4:00 p.m.. Interment took place at Northfield Oakwood Cemetery. Please omit flowers. Memorials for Benjamin may be made to Philip J. Parker c/o Karen Forgette, Glenview State Bank, 800 Waukegan Rd., Glenview, IL 60025. N. H. Scott and Hanekamp 847-998-1020.
Funeral Arrangements
This is just still so surreal...I so appreciate all of the support...please keep it coming.
Sandy's earthly body will be buried at 11AM tomorrow. They have selected a beautiful plot very close to nature....I believe Sandy will love it!
As per Sandy's request...we will have two memorial services....one in Glenview and one in Bryn Athyn. The Glenview one will be at 4 PM on Sunday July 3rd at the Glenview New Church, 74 Park Dr. Glenview, IL 60025. In lieu of flowers, a memorial fund has been set up which will be used for Benjamin's education. Details to follow.
The Bryn Athyn memorial service will be on Thursday July 7th at 4 PM at the Bryn Athyn Cathedral, 900 Cathedral Road Bryn Athyn, PA 19009. (267-502-4600)
Love to all and thanks for your kindness and support.
Sandy's earthly body will be buried at 11AM tomorrow. They have selected a beautiful plot very close to nature....I believe Sandy will love it!
As per Sandy's request...we will have two memorial services....one in Glenview and one in Bryn Athyn. The Glenview one will be at 4 PM on Sunday July 3rd at the Glenview New Church, 74 Park Dr. Glenview, IL 60025. In lieu of flowers, a memorial fund has been set up which will be used for Benjamin's education. Details to follow.
The Bryn Athyn memorial service will be on Thursday July 7th at 4 PM at the Bryn Athyn Cathedral, 900 Cathedral Road Bryn Athyn, PA 19009. (267-502-4600)
Love to all and thanks for your kindness and support.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Transition to spiritual world is happening as I write!
Wow my bride is now making the biggest trip of her life! As all of you know Sandy loved traveling and adventures and now here she goes!
She complained only about some slight discomfort so I turned her about 4 times during the night (with help from Steph and Jan.) This morning is mostly a blur. Jan hopped in bed with me and we read Facebook and the blog and even read a few of them to Sandy. I then asked Kirst to bring over some homepathy which would help with Sandy's anxiety. Many family members and close friends came in over the next few hours to visit with Sandy perhaps imaging they were saying goodbye.
When the nurse arrived I explained what I had been doing and the nurse used the new port to drain Sandy again, which I believe gave her enough room to take a few more deep breaths to give her the energy to leave this world. I interrupted Benjamin's construction project at 10:30 and asked him to give Momma a kiss. He reluctantly left the construction site and did as I requested...boy am I glad I insisted on that! After the nurse left Sandy complained of being challenged by heavy limbs and by shortness of breath. I gave her a little more morphine, but only after she asked for it. One of my goals throughout this whole process was to have Sandy's desire and wishes listened to. I believe I 100 percent succeeded in this desire as she stayed in control of the entire process and asked for morphine at 11:15 and passed away at 11:51 am.
It was so cool that anybody who wanted to could be in the room and experience her peaceful passing. She died in our home, right next to our bed, with the birds chirping in the background, and of course Benjamin building something with his trucks, and our families and close friends right beside her. As she was getting close to passing I put some pictures of friends and family around her and then had her wedding ring placed next to her head right next to me. I plan to wear her wedding ring around my neck right next to my heart. Within minutes our pastor Peter was on the phone and offered words and Len read the 23rd Psalm and Ron offered a beautiful prayer and then we all said the Lord's Prayer. What power.
Some time passed and people said their goodbyes and then about 10 women gathered to bathe Sandy with essential oils. I sat in the background and thought how cool this is and that Sandy would be thrilled with this. I can picture her smiling down on the women as they worked. They then sang the Lord's Prayer which was awesome and really tough. Before they dressed her in a beautiful nightie I asked them if they would share a quality of Sandy's that they admire. I won't tell you who said what but I will ask you to picture Sandy as you read this list and by the end I will think you will see vey clearly why it is so easy to love Sandy and why she has so many good friends. She is very special and my only complaint is that we only had 8. 5years together.
Qualities that women admire about Sandy include:
Her Kindness and ability to accept others no matter what
Her Positive and generous spirit
Always thinking of herself last
Her Inner beauty and willingness to look for good in others
her Genuiness and how she so solid in her value system
Her Perseverance, and her ability to set goals and then pursue them
Her Courage and strength
Her Acceptance of everybody
Her Integrity and humor
Her Smartness
she Gave you confidence
She held you Accountable for what she said
she encouraged you to be your self
just do it and go for it
Well as I said that is quite a list and I guess my closing thought on this process for now....is please live your life to the fullest (Sandy was doing daycare only 2 weeks ago), give everything you have no matter what the odds (she only stopped fighting one week ago today after the second opinion), and be kind to everybody including your family no matter what (she was still saying sorry this morning to me about having to move her - go figure Sandy worrying about me right before she passes away.)
Thanks to everybody for their collective support on this journey. I wish the outcome was different but trust that the Lord has a plan....We just don't know all of the intricacies to it. Godspeed Sandy, my love, I will honor you in the way I parent Benjamin and ask that you please help me from above....I need it! With all of my love, Phil (and Benjamin)
She complained only about some slight discomfort so I turned her about 4 times during the night (with help from Steph and Jan.) This morning is mostly a blur. Jan hopped in bed with me and we read Facebook and the blog and even read a few of them to Sandy. I then asked Kirst to bring over some homepathy which would help with Sandy's anxiety. Many family members and close friends came in over the next few hours to visit with Sandy perhaps imaging they were saying goodbye.
When the nurse arrived I explained what I had been doing and the nurse used the new port to drain Sandy again, which I believe gave her enough room to take a few more deep breaths to give her the energy to leave this world. I interrupted Benjamin's construction project at 10:30 and asked him to give Momma a kiss. He reluctantly left the construction site and did as I requested...boy am I glad I insisted on that! After the nurse left Sandy complained of being challenged by heavy limbs and by shortness of breath. I gave her a little more morphine, but only after she asked for it. One of my goals throughout this whole process was to have Sandy's desire and wishes listened to. I believe I 100 percent succeeded in this desire as she stayed in control of the entire process and asked for morphine at 11:15 and passed away at 11:51 am.
It was so cool that anybody who wanted to could be in the room and experience her peaceful passing. She died in our home, right next to our bed, with the birds chirping in the background, and of course Benjamin building something with his trucks, and our families and close friends right beside her. As she was getting close to passing I put some pictures of friends and family around her and then had her wedding ring placed next to her head right next to me. I plan to wear her wedding ring around my neck right next to my heart. Within minutes our pastor Peter was on the phone and offered words and Len read the 23rd Psalm and Ron offered a beautiful prayer and then we all said the Lord's Prayer. What power.
Some time passed and people said their goodbyes and then about 10 women gathered to bathe Sandy with essential oils. I sat in the background and thought how cool this is and that Sandy would be thrilled with this. I can picture her smiling down on the women as they worked. They then sang the Lord's Prayer which was awesome and really tough. Before they dressed her in a beautiful nightie I asked them if they would share a quality of Sandy's that they admire. I won't tell you who said what but I will ask you to picture Sandy as you read this list and by the end I will think you will see vey clearly why it is so easy to love Sandy and why she has so many good friends. She is very special and my only complaint is that we only had 8. 5years together.
Qualities that women admire about Sandy include:
Her Kindness and ability to accept others no matter what
Her Positive and generous spirit
Always thinking of herself last
Her Inner beauty and willingness to look for good in others
her Genuiness and how she so solid in her value system
Her Perseverance, and her ability to set goals and then pursue them
Her Courage and strength
Her Acceptance of everybody
Her Integrity and humor
Her Smartness
she Gave you confidence
She held you Accountable for what she said
she encouraged you to be your self
just do it and go for it
Well as I said that is quite a list and I guess my closing thought on this process for now....is please live your life to the fullest (Sandy was doing daycare only 2 weeks ago), give everything you have no matter what the odds (she only stopped fighting one week ago today after the second opinion), and be kind to everybody including your family no matter what (she was still saying sorry this morning to me about having to move her - go figure Sandy worrying about me right before she passes away.)
Thanks to everybody for their collective support on this journey. I wish the outcome was different but trust that the Lord has a plan....We just don't know all of the intricacies to it. Godspeed Sandy, my love, I will honor you in the way I parent Benjamin and ask that you please help me from above....I need it! With all of my love, Phil (and Benjamin)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Home again
Sandy was continuing to feel more and more uncomfortable so our nurse made some calls and got us into Highland Park hospital today. The procedure which was performed was that they put a catheter into her abdomen so that it could be drained at home. (Some may know that Sandy has had her abdomen drained once per week for the last two weeks. They have taken out an average 3 liters.) The nurse arranged transport for us in an ambulance (which thrilled Benjamin) and we left about 12:30. Unfortunately they were not ready for us so we had to wait until 3:30. The procedure was over in 45 minutes and then the transport arrived and Sandy is now sleeping, completely exhausted. We had a few cute moments together in the room which was great and we have now completed our written description of our dating history. (I look forward to sharing it with all at some point in the future. I believe we have a great story to tell of waiting for the right person and not settling, along with what an orderly relationship can look like in our opinion.)
Her pulse continues to be high and her blood pressure is staying quite low...tough signs!
Thanks to everybody for your blog responses, e-mails, and facebook words....I have read all of them to Sandy. She smiles and I cry. What an angel.
With love to all, Sandy, Phil, and Benjamin
Her pulse continues to be high and her blood pressure is staying quite low...tough signs!
Thanks to everybody for your blog responses, e-mails, and facebook words....I have read all of them to Sandy. She smiles and I cry. What an angel.
With love to all, Sandy, Phil, and Benjamin
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Home
There is a good chance that Phil will be the only one writing from now on. We went for a second opinion last week about the extent of the cancer in Sandy's body. The second doctor confirmed our worst fears...that is that 4 kinds of chemo have not worked and there seems to be no way to stop this wretched disease. With the rapid decline in Sandy's health over the last 3.5 weeks and the disease now taking over the liver, the best course of action seems to be to bring Sandy home and have her live out her life in as much comfort as possible. so that is what we have done. I can't believe I am actually writing this.....Sandy will be leaving this world in the near future. she has fought so hard for the last two years....even driving herself to chemo only two months ago. Her sadness, energy, fatigue, and bloating are all challenging her to want to fight much more. we hope and pray that this nightmare will soon be over and of course another nightmare will begin after that....No more Sandy. Benjamin needs his best friend who is his Mom, and to a slightly lesser extent I need my wife. This is brutal! Sandy is still cognizant as I write but she continually says this is getting harder and harder. Jamie, her sister, and Natalie, my niece are here which is tremendously helpful! Both of our families are ready to come and some will be here soon. All of my family has seen Sandy within the last month, except for Janet who will be coming shortly, and all of Sandy's family will be here next week. My parents will be here soon as well. We are so scared and saddened by what the future holds....and/but we are trying to remember that the Lord is holding us all in His hands and will do everything within His power to make the best possible outcome occur. Feel free to call and write letters....I will try my best to respond but please know that I am so grateful for all of the roles you have played in Sandy's life. She is an awesome and great person and the network of friends that she has is a real testament to the amazing person that she is and I continue to be amazed what neat things people have to say about her. from being somewhat of a shy and reserved person, she sure makes an impact. thanks for your continued prayers of peace and healing. Please enjoy every moment of your lives....it is precious. Love, Phil (Sandy and Benjamin)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Cancer Update: Just the Facts
Well, since it's been almost three months since I posted, I figured I should give you all an update on this cancer thing. Seems my tumors have taken a liking to my body and have decided to build an all-inclusive resort where they've invited all their far-flung relatives to hang out for a prolonged stay.
Let's see. Chronology. In January, the Taxol/Carboplatin combination stopped working. My CT scan revealed that one of my tumor masses got bigger, but the other ones got smaller, and my liver/lungs were clean. My numbers started in October at around 300, then went down as low as 120 after 2 treatments, then back up to almost 300 at the beginning of February. So we switched to Gemcitabine chemotherapy at the beginning of February.
Gemcitobine did absolutely nothing, except give me fevers and make me feel crummy. At the beginning of March, we found out my numbers went up to 1900. Unfortunately I had just had a Gemcitabine treatment (unnecessarily) before we got numbers back, so more fevers, etc. I got a CT scan which revealed that my tumors have indeed grown, and the ones that were iffy before are now definite tumor groupings. I have one on my left, one on my hernia in the center, and one on my right. Kind of funny to me because I'm all about symmetry, and my body has delivered. One week later my numbers jumped to 2900 and we started Doxil.
At least Doxil is infused on a monthly basis, instead of weekly, so I feel like I have a bit more of a normal life. Unfortunately, I was majorly ill the whole week after my Doxil treatment more due to tumor growth and interference with my bowels than due to Doxil (Doxil has very few side effects). I had lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks due to nausea/constipation/bloating. Sadly I've gained about 6 of those pounds back. After a week of feeling like dirt, I went to my doctor and got hydrated with IV fluids and put on steroids and Regulin, which is an anti-nausea drug that actually makes your bowels contract so you don't get constipated (most other anti-nausea drugs are REALLY constipating). It's a beautiful thing to be on drugs that actually help you feel better. As much as I hate being on meds, feeling somewhat normal is a tremendous boost to my mental and emotional outlook. I'm on a low dose of steroids, so I'm not too worried about it, although I've upped the amount I'm taking this week (after my 2nd Doxil treatment) because 4mg isn't cutting it. Speaking of 2nd Doxil treatment...
I went back for chemo on April 8th and got a 2nd Doxil treatment, after which I continued on steroids/Regulin and was proactive about getting fluids the following week. Unfortunately my numbers continued to climb, but didn't quite double, which is the pattern they look for. They are now around 5300. Doxil takes a little longer to kick in than other chemo drugs, and sometimes you need to play catchup with the numbers, so I'll most likely get yet another round of Doxil in May unless my numbers double or triple, in which case we're on to the next drug to see if THAT works. I'm beginning to feel like I'm playing Wheel of Fortune, and playing it badly. I'm also wondering what happens if my tumors keep getting bigger. I already look like I'm about 6 months pregnant (which is better than the 7 months pregnant I looked like last month). Surgery isn't really an option. This kind of cancer doesn't usually go to brain or bones, but most likely into liver and lungs. So far (as of March) my liver and lungs are clean.
So I started my 2nd Doxil treatment feeling far less bloated, but that has changed somewhat in the last week and I'm feeling like a bloated tick again. I have been doing some healing sessions long distance (with a person in Italy) which definitely helped me feel better, and I just started them up again after a 3 week hiatus, so that's good. And we got to fit in our trip to Hilton Head Island with Phil's parents and got a bonus visit in with my parents as well. It was so great to get away. And it was great to come home to my beautiful new serenity room that this wonderful community of people I live and interact with did while we are away (the room deserves its own post, which it will get later). Here's hoping we can make Canada and North Carolina work with my treatment schedule this summer. I'm counting on it. Gotta keep dangling those carrots in front of myself to keep me going.
So those are the facts in a nutshell. I continue to ride this merry go round and try to stay positive and take one day at a time. Fingers crossed that my tumors and their relatives have had enough of a vacation and are ready to pack up and go home. That's what I'm hoping for.
Love to all,
Sandy
Let's see. Chronology. In January, the Taxol/Carboplatin combination stopped working. My CT scan revealed that one of my tumor masses got bigger, but the other ones got smaller, and my liver/lungs were clean. My numbers started in October at around 300, then went down as low as 120 after 2 treatments, then back up to almost 300 at the beginning of February. So we switched to Gemcitabine chemotherapy at the beginning of February.
Gemcitobine did absolutely nothing, except give me fevers and make me feel crummy. At the beginning of March, we found out my numbers went up to 1900. Unfortunately I had just had a Gemcitabine treatment (unnecessarily) before we got numbers back, so more fevers, etc. I got a CT scan which revealed that my tumors have indeed grown, and the ones that were iffy before are now definite tumor groupings. I have one on my left, one on my hernia in the center, and one on my right. Kind of funny to me because I'm all about symmetry, and my body has delivered. One week later my numbers jumped to 2900 and we started Doxil.
At least Doxil is infused on a monthly basis, instead of weekly, so I feel like I have a bit more of a normal life. Unfortunately, I was majorly ill the whole week after my Doxil treatment more due to tumor growth and interference with my bowels than due to Doxil (Doxil has very few side effects). I had lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks due to nausea/constipation/bloating. Sadly I've gained about 6 of those pounds back. After a week of feeling like dirt, I went to my doctor and got hydrated with IV fluids and put on steroids and Regulin, which is an anti-nausea drug that actually makes your bowels contract so you don't get constipated (most other anti-nausea drugs are REALLY constipating). It's a beautiful thing to be on drugs that actually help you feel better. As much as I hate being on meds, feeling somewhat normal is a tremendous boost to my mental and emotional outlook. I'm on a low dose of steroids, so I'm not too worried about it, although I've upped the amount I'm taking this week (after my 2nd Doxil treatment) because 4mg isn't cutting it. Speaking of 2nd Doxil treatment...
I went back for chemo on April 8th and got a 2nd Doxil treatment, after which I continued on steroids/Regulin and was proactive about getting fluids the following week. Unfortunately my numbers continued to climb, but didn't quite double, which is the pattern they look for. They are now around 5300. Doxil takes a little longer to kick in than other chemo drugs, and sometimes you need to play catchup with the numbers, so I'll most likely get yet another round of Doxil in May unless my numbers double or triple, in which case we're on to the next drug to see if THAT works. I'm beginning to feel like I'm playing Wheel of Fortune, and playing it badly. I'm also wondering what happens if my tumors keep getting bigger. I already look like I'm about 6 months pregnant (which is better than the 7 months pregnant I looked like last month). Surgery isn't really an option. This kind of cancer doesn't usually go to brain or bones, but most likely into liver and lungs. So far (as of March) my liver and lungs are clean.
So I started my 2nd Doxil treatment feeling far less bloated, but that has changed somewhat in the last week and I'm feeling like a bloated tick again. I have been doing some healing sessions long distance (with a person in Italy) which definitely helped me feel better, and I just started them up again after a 3 week hiatus, so that's good. And we got to fit in our trip to Hilton Head Island with Phil's parents and got a bonus visit in with my parents as well. It was so great to get away. And it was great to come home to my beautiful new serenity room that this wonderful community of people I live and interact with did while we are away (the room deserves its own post, which it will get later). Here's hoping we can make Canada and North Carolina work with my treatment schedule this summer. I'm counting on it. Gotta keep dangling those carrots in front of myself to keep me going.
So those are the facts in a nutshell. I continue to ride this merry go round and try to stay positive and take one day at a time. Fingers crossed that my tumors and their relatives have had enough of a vacation and are ready to pack up and go home. That's what I'm hoping for.
Love to all,
Sandy
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Staying Present
Well, here it is 2 months later so I figured I'm way behind on a post. I've been observing my son, Benjamin, a lot lately, and really admiring his ability to stay in the present. Why are children so good at that, and adults not so much? When I look at him, he's not worrying about tomorrow, or regretting some part of his 3-year-old past. He just IS. Right now. Oh, how I wish I were better at that, especially when dealing with cancer.
If only I didn't regret choices in my past that may have contributed to my cancer, and if only I didn't worry about how long the Good Lord will allow me to stay on this earth. What would it be like if I could just BE, in the moment, for most of the time? At the beginning of my last infusion, we got mixed news. My CT-scan looked good, but my CA-125 numbers rose by about 40 points. Huh?!?! This news definitely fell out of line with the "done in 6 months" chemo scenario I had in my mind when I started out treating recurrence #1. Cancer can be sneaky like that. Stupid cells. Why has my immune system let me down?
Anyway, to say that news has pervaded my thinking for the last 3 weeks is an understatement. It's hard not to go to the worse case scenario, especially when your 3-year-old asks you out of the blue at the dinner table if you'll be around when he's bigger. Heart in throat. Okay, Sandy, choke it down, be honest. I replied "I hope so", as enthusiastically as I could, amidst holding back tears.
But then on the flip side there are those glimpses I get of staying present when I forget that I'm even sick (aside from the constant reminder that my hairless reflection gives me in the mirror), and I'm just living life. A lot of those moments are when I'm in the midst of playing with Benjamin, forgoing housework, laundry, and all the other stuff I'm supposed to be doing around the house. When I'm at play, I'm present. Good thing I have a 3-year-old around to help remind me of that. He likes to play. A lot.
Benjamin has a complete set of players, puck, referree, "ice" and boards called "Hockey Guys". In his world, the rules of the NHL are out the window. In his version of hockey, the goalies stand on top of their nets during the game. Imagine how much more menacing the goalies would be in real life if perched, with equipment galore, on top of the nets, jumping down in startling fashion as opposing players approached. It would certainly add a whole new element to the game of ice hockey. He also has 2 zambonis, one for resurfacing the ice, and the other for taking the players off the ice. Perhaps if every player had a zamboni ride at the end of every period, there wouldn't be so much fighting during the game. It's something the NHL should consider. I'll have to contact the commissioner.
I also love the carefree abandon with which Benjamin "folds" (and I use that term loosely) the laundry. He's a great helper with chores around the house. He was instructing me the other week on how to fold laundry. First, you shake it out. Then you run around the room with it. Then you roll it up in a ball. If I adopt his method, imagine the cardio workout I could get while doing a chore I despise! He's so good at incorporating fun into daily activities.
Being in the moment also means being sad when we need to, being angry when we need to, feeling what we need to when we need to do it. Kids are brilliant at that, even though it's tough on the adults at times when they are. That's not always possible for us "grown-ups" to do, logistically speaking, that is. There have been times I've been close to tears in the check-out line at the grocery store, but can't exactly curl up into a fetal ball on the floor and cry my eyes out. There is a certain protocol to which we kind of have to conform. Personally I think we'd all be alot better off if we could feel our feelings instead of making excuses for them, or pushing them down. All that pushing down over the course of a lifetime makes for a lot of pressure on the inside. At some point, it needs to get out. The form that it takes is different for everyone.
We had some great visits over the holidays when we traveled to Toronto and Pennsylvania, and we've had some great visitors come out to help during my infusions. We are very lucky to have such loving people in our lives. The days here this winter have seemed like they are neverending gray, and it's definitely affecting my mood. In one sense having chemo and having people come out to help help to break up the winter. I'm looking forward to our trip to Hilton Head at the end of March. That's the big carrot I'm dangling in front of myself to get me through chemo. I'm not sure if my chemo meds will change, if we'll add a drug, or if we'll stay the current course. I get my bloodwork done on Feb. 1st so my doctor will have the info she needs to make a decision at the beginning of my next infusion cycle on Feb. 4th. Here's hoping for falling numbers and shrinking tumors!
Love to all,
Sandy
If only I didn't regret choices in my past that may have contributed to my cancer, and if only I didn't worry about how long the Good Lord will allow me to stay on this earth. What would it be like if I could just BE, in the moment, for most of the time? At the beginning of my last infusion, we got mixed news. My CT-scan looked good, but my CA-125 numbers rose by about 40 points. Huh?!?! This news definitely fell out of line with the "done in 6 months" chemo scenario I had in my mind when I started out treating recurrence #1. Cancer can be sneaky like that. Stupid cells. Why has my immune system let me down?
Anyway, to say that news has pervaded my thinking for the last 3 weeks is an understatement. It's hard not to go to the worse case scenario, especially when your 3-year-old asks you out of the blue at the dinner table if you'll be around when he's bigger. Heart in throat. Okay, Sandy, choke it down, be honest. I replied "I hope so", as enthusiastically as I could, amidst holding back tears.
But then on the flip side there are those glimpses I get of staying present when I forget that I'm even sick (aside from the constant reminder that my hairless reflection gives me in the mirror), and I'm just living life. A lot of those moments are when I'm in the midst of playing with Benjamin, forgoing housework, laundry, and all the other stuff I'm supposed to be doing around the house. When I'm at play, I'm present. Good thing I have a 3-year-old around to help remind me of that. He likes to play. A lot.
Benjamin has a complete set of players, puck, referree, "ice" and boards called "Hockey Guys". In his world, the rules of the NHL are out the window. In his version of hockey, the goalies stand on top of their nets during the game. Imagine how much more menacing the goalies would be in real life if perched, with equipment galore, on top of the nets, jumping down in startling fashion as opposing players approached. It would certainly add a whole new element to the game of ice hockey. He also has 2 zambonis, one for resurfacing the ice, and the other for taking the players off the ice. Perhaps if every player had a zamboni ride at the end of every period, there wouldn't be so much fighting during the game. It's something the NHL should consider. I'll have to contact the commissioner.
I also love the carefree abandon with which Benjamin "folds" (and I use that term loosely) the laundry. He's a great helper with chores around the house. He was instructing me the other week on how to fold laundry. First, you shake it out. Then you run around the room with it. Then you roll it up in a ball. If I adopt his method, imagine the cardio workout I could get while doing a chore I despise! He's so good at incorporating fun into daily activities.
Being in the moment also means being sad when we need to, being angry when we need to, feeling what we need to when we need to do it. Kids are brilliant at that, even though it's tough on the adults at times when they are. That's not always possible for us "grown-ups" to do, logistically speaking, that is. There have been times I've been close to tears in the check-out line at the grocery store, but can't exactly curl up into a fetal ball on the floor and cry my eyes out. There is a certain protocol to which we kind of have to conform. Personally I think we'd all be alot better off if we could feel our feelings instead of making excuses for them, or pushing them down. All that pushing down over the course of a lifetime makes for a lot of pressure on the inside. At some point, it needs to get out. The form that it takes is different for everyone.
We had some great visits over the holidays when we traveled to Toronto and Pennsylvania, and we've had some great visitors come out to help during my infusions. We are very lucky to have such loving people in our lives. The days here this winter have seemed like they are neverending gray, and it's definitely affecting my mood. In one sense having chemo and having people come out to help help to break up the winter. I'm looking forward to our trip to Hilton Head at the end of March. That's the big carrot I'm dangling in front of myself to get me through chemo. I'm not sure if my chemo meds will change, if we'll add a drug, or if we'll stay the current course. I get my bloodwork done on Feb. 1st so my doctor will have the info she needs to make a decision at the beginning of my next infusion cycle on Feb. 4th. Here's hoping for falling numbers and shrinking tumors!
Love to all,
Sandy
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