One month later!

Since I last wrote Benjamin and I have gone through two memorial services, a long trip to Bryn Athyn, a beautiful two and a half weeks in Canada at our family cottage, and now three days back in Glenview. I'm pleased that I was able to honor Sandy's request of two services but did find it challenging to go through a second service. However two themes came out of that gathering....a large number of people thanked me for doing it and said that so many people needed this to happen and it was cool how many of Sandy's relatives were there....really neat! The second theme was when I heard from people who have known Sandy so much longer than I have that she really was her happiest in her entire life when she was in Glenview....married to me and parenting Benjamin. That thought really helps as I struggle with so many tears over the last few days. She was her happiest in Glenview with me and Benjamin....Wow! go to hell, hells, Sandy was happy in Glenview so don't try and tell me that she wasn't or we didn't have the perfect marriage or that we are not raising Benjamin perfectly, etc. she was happy!

Our time in Canada was amazing except for one major hole. It really is hard to go anywhere or do anything right now without being reminded of Sandy. So they we are on the dock and having a nice family conversation and suddenly I'm crying because she should be there beside me watching the boats and Benjamin playing in the water. She would have loved seeing how much confidence he had in the water....although I really am counting on the fact that she can see what we are doing and is keeping us both safe and comforted.

We leave for Linden Hills, MI on Sunday and return Wednesday and then get to fly to Raleigh, NC on Thursday for our annual Magro vacation. I can't wait to spend time with Sandy's family they are such good people and have always reached out to me but even more so in the last two months. We are all hurting and it will be good to process and play together.

Please keep up the prayers for Sandy's and my families as well as for Benjamin and I as we all need them. I'm going to close this entry with three footnotes which I think will be interesting to some of you.

1. Sandy wrote me this birthday card on the 16th of June: To the love of my life on his 41st birthday, Wow, what a lot of adventures our 6.5 years of marriage has taken us on. We're definitely putting the vows "in sickness and in health" to the test, eh? I feel so incredibly grateful that the Lord brought us together. I guess I just wish it would've been sooner so we could've had even more adventures earlier on. I feel so loved and safe and secure when I'm with you, and I couldn't ask for a better partner to go through life with. I've never met a man with more integrity than you. I love the way you choose to live your life. I am one lucky woman! And we have this amazing son that we are so blessed to have (and he's cute to boot.) Makes for a pretty good life, even if circumstances seem to indicate otherwise. I look forward to spending eternity with you. Having fun to eternity with you, and being useful, both in this life and the next. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Sometimes I feel like my heart's going to burst it's so much! I will keep fighting for you. For us. I promise that, no matter how hard it gets, because I know I have you to hold me up. I love you. Happy Birthday, my love! Love, Sandy

2. I read the following prayer at the beginning of the Glenview New Church memorial....can't believe I got through it that day as I can't read it now without crying. Sandy obviously helped me get through it the first time! Thanks my love!
Dear Sandy, Mommy and the Lord,

Benjamin and I have so many questions to ask you: like how is heaven, where is this shirt, where is this type of food bought, etc. We always knew you were so special but now we are even more amazed because you keep providing answers to these questions in our hearts and brains and minds. Benjamin is already starting to figure out that he can communicate with you by saying things like "I'm swimming now, and I'm happy now" and then receiving that beautiful feeling in his heart that only a Momma can give!

Last Saturday evening I asked you to find the strength and courage to tell Benjamin with me exactly what was going on...I said I would lead the conversation but before long you were the one providing him with the exact words that he needed to hear. Thanks so much for doing that! On Wednesday just before your passing I got Benjamin to give you a kiss and you reached up (when you no longer had much muscle) and hugged him...I will make sure that he always remembers this moment and so many others where you prioritized what was really important - not housework but human interactions.

You asked me to write "In the end only kindness matters." on Facebook on Monday and so I ask you, my love Sandy and the Lord, to help Benjamin and I really follow these words each and everyday. You understood life way better than we did.

So here we are gathered at your memorial service and I know that you are here with us and will help us to not only get through it but to smile and enjoy it. Please help to comfort each of us in this room and all others who need you and I feel confident asking you for this because you are an angel and angels can do everything.

With love, Benjamin and Phil

3. I received the following from a co-worker who loved how Sandy created such amazing song parodies. This one is sung to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star:

Mommy, Mommy, shining star
Now I know just where you are
In my heart and in my mind
Angel loving, angel kind
Mommy, Mommy, shining star
Now I know just where you are

Sandy, Sandy, shining star
You are near though heaven seems far
Speak to me in dream and song
Keep your husband brave and strong
Sandy, Sandy, shining star
You are near though heaven seems far

Benjamin and Phil my love
Here I am with God above
I am fine as you will see
When someday you come to me
Benjamin and Phil my love
Here I am with God above.